lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
