Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
