There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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