when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
