Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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