No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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