two words: eviction party
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
