dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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