i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
