Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
