Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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