Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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