I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
