Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Blow job season was short but glorious.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
