Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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