they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
