i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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