Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
