That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
