Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
