i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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