My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
