When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
