Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
