So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
