covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
