whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
