i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
