she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
