when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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