we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
