I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
we should paint friendship bongs
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