just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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