I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
