U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
