Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
