Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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