she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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