Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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