Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
