someone get that fucking seahorse.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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