I am spending my child support on dildos
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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