I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
