i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
