I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
