Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
