I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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