somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
