Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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