Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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